Smile For Them
by BonesxBreak
Summary: Kyouko struggles to deal with losing everything.    Rated T for Tragedy.


**A/N** This is what happens when I suddenly find myself relating to Kyouko. A good bit of inspiration for the opening scene was derived from something ShadowKittenMewFan sent me, although the actual content of this prayer/ almost everything in this story is actually quite personal..

* * *

><p><em>Heavenly Father, I thank you for my life...<em>

Technically speaking, it was Sunday morning. The echos of my footsteps faded, and silence settled in the cathedral like dust.

_Thank you, Lord, for my... for my wonderful family. For always providing for us when we couldn't really provide for ourselves._

I'd started this prayer upon entering the church. Now, I alone knelt at the alter, directly in front of my "earthly" father's pulpit._  
><em>

_I understand now... that I've shamed you with my actions... with my thoughts...  
><em>

I didn't unclasp my trembling hands to wipe away the tears as they slipped from my closed eyes. Likewise, I didn't move to zip up my sweatshirt, choosing instead to ignore my growing discomfort as the unforgiving winter air came through the open window, and sliced into my clothes... stabbing at my exposed skin_.  
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_ Please... wash me clean of my sins, with the blood of your son Jesus Christ... Forgive me for my disobedience... my insolence.  
><em>

I swallowed a sob and clenched my teeth, determined to finish without breaking down.

_...If what I've done can be undone..._ _If there is a way... I pray that_ _you would give me the wisdom, and the strength to find it._..

On the edge of my awareness, I felt Kyubey join me. He lept from a stained glass window across the room, to the top of a cross pinned to a nearby wall. I ignored this, as well.

_I know you must... hate me... _A pathetic noise formed in my throat, and I strangled it there.

Meanwhile, the first rays of sunlight broke through the windows, gently warming my shivering form.

_I know it's selfish... But I... I just want them, at least, to want me._ I was sobbing openly now, no longer possessing the energy to hold back my emotions.

_Lord, I know... I understand that it's unfair for me to even ask... and I know that I'm unworthy of love... but-_

_"'Father, into your hands, I commit my spirit...'"   
><em>

I sighed, sniffled, and stood. I put God on 'hold,' and turned to face the cross.

I shot my most intimidating, puffy-eyed glare at the intruder.

_Right... And?  
><em>

_I don't understand that part of the ritual yet, although I suppose it's understandable. After all, I've only been taking a vested interest in Human "religions" since I've contracted you, Kyouko.__ Apparently, I still have much to learn about Christianity, and it's various sacrificial practices__._ He explained, without really explaining anything.

_Oh... cool? Look, Kyubey... I'm kinda busy right now..._

_Forgive my interruption... It is important, Kyouko. Furthermore, you are the only one who can accurately explain to me what your father hopes to accomplish by-  
><em>

_ Whatever. I don't really care. That was just a bible verse, anyway... Something Jesus said, before he died. _

_I am aware of that. I don't, however, understand what role it plays in the Sacrificial Rituals-_

_"Sacrificial Rituals?" _Kyouko almost laughed. _Christianity doesn't involve anything like that... You must be thinking of-  
><em>

_Judaism? Not likely... 'Father, into your hands, I commit her spirit. Father, into your hands, I commit her spirit. Now. Let the blood of your faithful children cry unto thee from this cursed earth, for vengeance. How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you-'"_

_T__hat's... I don't understand. Where are you getting all this, anyway?  
><em>

_Your father. I don't understand how it fits together, or what purpose it serves, so I came here in the hopes that you could explain it._

_My father... said that? When...?  
><em>

_Moments ago. It appears to be part of an incantation of some sort. Is that correct? Unfortunately, I can not find any viable information on why he smears the blood of the woman and child on the door posts and windows... it seems a bit excessive, considering how much is already on the interior walls of your home-  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Earlier that night<strong>, I'd gone to bed before anyone else. I lay awake for hours, crying.

_Pathetic..._

My sister came in, and I finally decided that enough was enough.

I gritted my teeth, and tried to reason with myself.

_Come on... It's time to grow up, Kyouko..._

It'd been a while since we broke up. I couldn't let one relationship keep affecting me like this; I couldn't let one person, out of billions, drive me to suicide, and make me reserve myself to eternity in hell.

_God... I'm sorry. I... I don't need her. She was... just a phase, and I've outgrown her. Just another sin I have to let go of... everyone has at least one, right? I'm not so horrible in your eyes, am I...?  
><em>

I smiled, and wiped my face with a sleeve.

_No, I'm not really so bad...  
><em>

I could really get over it. Finally. Was this all I had to do, all along? I scolded myself for not turning to God with my problem sooner.

_I need you, Lord, more than anything. Please, forgive me for running away from you... Please, accept my repentance, and kill these feelings inside of me. Make me brand new, again... I want to fall in love with you. I want to spend my every moment wrapped in your true, genuine love, which I know now is far stronger than any human could hope to give another. _

My smile wavered when pain as fresh as the day she left me gripped my chest and squeezed. I took a long, shuddering breath, and resumed my crying.

Even so, I felt better than I had in months, and I drifted off to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>I awoke with a start<strong>, terrified. The insistent pounding on my door was loud enough to wake the neighbors, had we any.

I looked at the old, yellowing clock on my wall, my inhuman eyes making out the time easily in the pitch darkness of my tiny, shared room.

Even after our church had exploded in attendance, most of the money from tithes and offering went to increasing the maximum capacity of the building itself, funding missions, and various charitable endeavors...

Our family had already grown accustomed to poverty, so we lived a noble, ascetic lifestyle, and chose to stay in the same, pitiful residence, despite having enough money to afford a mansion or two.

_Jesus dad, it's two in the freaking morning... _

It was immediately apparent that this wasn't an ordinary emergency; if there had been a fire or anything like that, he'd have been yelling at us to get up, on top of banging.

"Uhnn... Onee-san?" My little sister was sitting up in our twin size bed, groaning and rubbing her eyes adorably.

The oversized, Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas she wore used to be my favorite when I was her age.

It wasn't like my father was an evil man: he was strict sometimes, sure. A bit of a misogynist, perhaps, but who wasn't these days?

Even though I was a freshman now, I was still "Daddy's Little Girl," and he'd always made it a point to treat me and my sister like princesses with whatever we had.

Which, in retrospect, had been next to nothing for the greater part of our lives. It didn't matter much to me, though. The "thought" was what really counted anyway.

"Ugh... Coming! Gah, I'm coming!" Even as I spoke, I really had no intention of getting up right away... but, the pounding grew violent in its persistence once the pounder heard my voice.

"...What's going on...? Kyouko...?"

I considered the possibilities; very few reasonable ones came to mind.

_If it was something very important, which it definitely seems to be... why is he making such a racket without saying anything...? _

A certain fear rushed to me, like a visiting old friend.

"...Kyouko...?" My sister was getting up now. She quickly crossed the room, and was about to open the door. Her hand stopped inches sort of the shaking, rotting wood, and she looked back at me in askance.

_Fuck... better to assume the worst and tell someone... _"Wait" I mouthed. I snatched my ancient, hideous cell phone from a cubby hole in our bedhead, and typed out a text message at inhuman speeds.

_"He found out, I think... Oh my god. I don't know how, or-" _The door shook impossibly harder, making my sister jump back a few feet in fear, and I wondered if he was actually trying to break it down._  
><em>

Adrenaline pumping, I sent the message without finishing, and tumbled out of bed.

My feet were still tangled in the sheets, and I fell flat on my face. _Shitshitshit. Calm down. Breathe. It probably isn't even serious...  
><em>

Composing myself as best I could, I stood, still trying to still my racing mind and slow my racing heart.

I stepped forward, plastered on my best poker face, counted to three and unlocked it.

* * *

><p><strong>A few months ago<strong>, I'd still been dating my first girlfriend.

My only real relationship, actually.

It... sucked that we basically had to hide everything... That I rarely saw her outside of school, or talked to her on my house phone without whispering... Still, there wasn't really anything we could do, if we actually wanted things to work out.

I really, _really_ liked her.

And I was happy. Honestly happy. Someone like her had taken an interest in someone like me... When had she even found the time to look my way?

I... didn't get to shower everyday... we couldn't afford it. It wasn't like I smelled, or was particularly dirty, but still. I was always praying that no one could tell, and always worried that she could.

It probably wasn't a very big secret that I was dirt-poor... even though I made it a point to always be somewhat decent-looking, I hadn't even _seen_ a brush in months, and my hair was getting ridiculously long.

She was an upperclassman, dating a freshman who was running out of toothpaste and running on an empty stomach...

The scrawny-looking redhead, who was always by the older girl's side but never holding her hand because she was still too self-conscious...

Even I couldn't believe it, sometimes. To think that last year's Prom Queen Runner-Up would be dating a girl who was currently wearing the same underwear, and the same faded clothes for the third day straight... at the end of the day, no matter how you tilted your head and squinted, it pretty much amounted to social suicide.

She saw something beautiful in me, even when I didn't.

After I made my wish, and could afford new clothes, and nice things... and the most basic female necessities, like showers, and perfume, and make-up, I felt so much less out of place at her side.

Teachers and students alike became enthralled by my sister and I, the preacher's only daughters. I wasn't any more, but back when we had little in the way of entertainment (for lack of money) I'd been an avid bible-reader. I was prepared enough with proper answers to most of their questions... the only exceptions were those pertaining to my father's doctrine, specifically.

I honestly didn't quite get a lot of the things he taught, but couldn't argue that he had valid points... here and there.

I became rather popular, if only because of my father's fame and fortune. She was genuinely happy for me, but didn't treat me any differently than she had when I was borderline homeless.

I was insanely happy with her, at first. Constantly grinning, even when we kissed.

Admittedly, as a result of my church's rapidly growing attendance and prestige, I became insanely paranoid - at school, we could be ourselves to a degree, but there was always the threat of "someone who goes to my church seeing us together and telling my father" hanging over my head, and chasing me down if ever I tried to push it away.

My father's doctrine wasn't _that_ different from Biblical Canon...

There was a certain excitement that accompanied the paranoia, though. The idea of breaking a rule, committing a sin... it was a rush, of sorts, if only because of the risk involved.

Above all, I was _getting away with it_.

* * *

><p><strong>Six months<strong> into the relationship, and sure, I was happy... but the paranoia was really getting to me, now.

If my father were to find out, I would be disowned immediately. My mother would probably agree with it... my sister would probably hate me, too.

The confrontation would probably be very, very physical.

Before, she could hold me and everything else in the world, all of my worries, melted away into "everything is alright, now..."

Now, during every fleeting, precious moment I spent with her, my mind was already occupied with things like "Did I delete the internet history on the computer? Could someone have been eavesdropping on us on the phone, last night? Could someone be watching us, right now?"

Even when we were completely alone, and I couldn't sense another presence... she would take my hand in hers, and I would hold it for a while - until it occurred to me that someone could be watching from afar, outside of my ability to perceive.

I would let go after a few moments. She hated when I did that, and I knew it.

She didn't understand how I felt, because I never really told her.

Time went on, and I became more and more detached as my church grew in numbers - I had to be more watchful than ever. We had to be more careful.

I saw her less and less. Spent less time with her on the phone, to arouse less suspicion from my family that we were anything more than good friends.

The problem was, I neglected to tell her that_ that_ was my reason for doing so.

When we spoke now, I was only half-present; during the conversation, my mind was going through every "father-finds-out" scenario I had the mental capacity to imagine...

On top of everything else, I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to burn in hell; that no matter how 'right' it felt to be with her, I was just being deceived by Satan into becoming another victim of our society's depravity... I was also seriously lying to and disobeying my parents, and everyone at church - basically spitting on everything we were supposed to be standing for.

Was she even worth it? I honestly loved her at this point, but I couldn't really tell yet.

I wanted to, but felt too ashamed to pray about it... The few real friends I had, who noticed my anxiety and told me that it was okay and God didn't hate me, all seemed like hypocrites.

_God detests people like me... like us. It says that right in the Bible... even in the New Testament! If I can't believe that that's something God said, and meant, what else in the Bible can I believe?_

Eventually, she got sick of it... of me. She probably chalked my recent behavior up to me becoming "stuck-up" after my church's success, and my sudden popularity...

* * *

><p><strong>Three or four months after<strong> breaking up, and I wasn't over it just yet, but I was getting there. I regretted the decisions I'd made to some extent, even though my family was prospering now, because of my wish... the price had still been much too steep.

Running into her and her new _boyfriend_ at school was... hard to stomach... Every day was a struggle to stay alive through my depression.

All of that mattered very little to my father at the moment; I didn't need to read the words on the computer screen to know what they said.

I'd written her an e-mail that was meant to vent everything I'd left unsaid. I chickened out of sending it to her though, when I found out she was already seeing someone else.

I must have forgotten to log out of my email. The page must have looked something like:

3764 Unread

0 Sent

5037 Spam

1 Draft

Of course he was going to be curious about that single draft.

"What is this?"

My body tensed, fearful of the icy venom dripping from his voice, the fury in his glare, the danger in standing so near to his clenched fist, although I was standing at least a yard away.

It was time to be silent. Even if he demanded an answer, or tried to beat one out of me, I wasn't supposed to respond.

"What does it look like?"

I barely resisted the urge to reach out and try to physically shove those words back down my throat.

"..."

I was trembling, visibly. _Why am I so afraid of him...? It's not like he can actually hurt me, now that I'm...-_

He strode over to the long-outdated computer, lifting a finger to point at the flickering screen.

To my horror, he began reading parts of the draft out loud, and shit got real.

"'... I still tried to pretend that I wasn't really flirting with you, another girl... I just, liked you. You were funny, and cool, and smooth, and witty, and I wanted to be friends. That was all. There didn't need to be more.'"

I bit my lip, making a conscious effort to not transform and get the hell out of there.

"'...I still remember when we first started dating, how lost and confused I was. I knew it would fail, so why was I doing it? ...You'd get sick of being with someone you were never really 'with'. My parents would find out, or the fear of that would drive us apart soon. But, I was wrong. We agreed that we should see things through, and agreed to give it a shot. I was expecting you to, maybe give me tips on how to be a good girlfriend, but that never happened, and I suppose I found out on my own anyway...'"

The way he read my words, the words too personal and honest for me to even send to her in the end... the hateful, angry way he sneered at my deepest feelings... no, the way he carelessly skipped around at random, not even trying to understand me was what hurt the most.

"'...You said I didn't care. But why wouldn't I? I knew you were wrong... you just didn't understand, that was all. I cared about you more than anything else I'd ever said I cared about. I was ruining my life for you after all. What were you risking anyway? Nothing was keeping you awake and restless every night. What gave you the right to say I didn't care?'"

He skipped forward again, but continued.

"'I should have thought things through more. Things would be different then. But I decided not to care about anything, what anyone said or thought, not even myself. If I couldn't care about not being loved by my family and friends, and abandoned by God and everyone else, all for you, what else could I care about? But, I loved you, and you only, and this was fatal to our relationship, I think...'"

He chuckled. Looked back up at me with murder in his eyes.

I died inside. Why couldn't he just... love me anyway?

Why did it have to be like this...?

Now I was the angry and betrayed one.

"D-don't... Don't... look at me... like that... God... I'm... I'm still your... daughter..." I whispered, now staring at the floor as the tears began. I was hurt beyond comprehension.

Infuriated eyes narrowed. He left the computer to stand uncomfortably closer to me. He grabbed my hair, and leaned down to my face.

"No... daughter... of... mine... takes... the... Almighty's... name... in... vain... or... plays... the... _harlot_... with... some... damned... woman..." He whispered back through clenched teeth, grip on my hair tightening painfully with every word.

I raised my head defiantly to meet his glare, now equally irate.

"Well, _fuck you too_..."

* * *

><p>He snapped, of course.<p>

He swung at me, wildly; I dodged easily enough at first, but his sudden, strangled cry of frustration threw me off guard. He grabbed me by my hair again, and threw me into our tiny, glass dining room table.

It shattered beneath my weight, and some shards found their way into my skin.

The noise must have alarmed the others.

My mother, dressed only in a cheap, baby-blue cotton robe, rushed into the room as I got to my feet.

This was nothing; just a few scrapes, really. But, my father was terrifying, and the greatest fear of my life was being realized.

My little sister wasn't far behind my mother, and the situation went from bad to horrific with her arrival.

"Kyouko!" Mom gasped, and covered her mouth with a hand.

Confused, she looked from me, the bloody mess that was her eldest daughter, to the huffing, stark raving madman that was her husband.

"Onee-san! W-what happened!" My sister ran towards me, with a panicked expression.

"No! Stay back-" I was reaching out to her unconsciously, desperately wanting to spare her from what was sure to come next.

As expected, father grabbed her by the hair as she tried to pass him, and slammed her backwards to the floor.

Her head met the wood with a sharp _crack_, and all semblance of self-control I'd been maintaining until then disappeared. I transformed, without thinking about what it would mean, only wanting to protect my sister.

In a flash of light and color, my pajamas were replaced by my Magical Girl get-up.

* * *

><p>"Wh-what sorcery is this! ?" My father demanded, wide-eyed and stumbling backwards.<p>

I wasn't pointing it at anything in particular at the moment, but apparently my spear looked menacing enough to make a fully grown man of God pee his pants.

The fear in his and my mother's eyes reminded me that these people had no idea about Puella Magi, or Witches, or what went on in the world, behind the scenes.

"I... I'm a Magical Girl..." I spluttered out, and examined a wall.

"I don't under-... Kyouko... You're a.._. a what_?" Mother, now kneeling beside my sister and cradling her head in her lap, looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

Father, now hysterical, scrambled to his feet, and looked frantically around the room for something to kill me with.

"I... back when we were poor, when everyone left our church... uhm... this... _being_... came to me... contacted me, and told me that I could have any wish, in exchange for having to fight monsters, and protecting people..."

I heard my sister groan as she stirred. The relief gave me the strength to continue.

"I... Mom, do you remember? We were so poor... it's different now, even though we still live here... I... didn't really understand what I was doing... I... I only wished that people would come back to our church, and give father's message a chance... and... they actually _did_... like, that same day. Hundreds of people... out of nowhere, came to our church in the middle of the week."

They were all staring at me now. I shifted my weight nervously, and continued.

"And then, more and more came... and all the interviews on T.V, and more and more people came... and they all stayed! And... And we've all been so happy, ever since..."

I took a solitary step towards my father, and he froze, Holy Bible at his fingertips.

"They all believe you, now! Don't you see, father? Because of my wish, people opened their minds, and... and meanwhile, I've been fighting these evil creatures, Witches... they kill people, and cause diseases... It's... hard... but, we're saving the world together!"

"Kyouko...what are you saying?" My mother, horrified, took my sister into her arms and stood. She looked like she might run out the door at any second.

"You sold your soul to Satan! You tricked everyone into going to my church!" He roared as he stood, now holding the Bible firmly in hand.

"No! Not tricked, just-"

"You _demon_! Y-you foul creature! Get thee behind me!"

Confident that he could 'cast me out,' he strode forward and shook the bible at me.

"I command thee! BEGONE!"

Unfazed but feeling awkward, I sighed and shifted my weight again.

"Dad... caaalm down. I just-"

"I bind thee! I-in the name of Jesus, I bind this evil spirit! YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY IN THIS HOME! LEAVE!"

"Okay, okay, I get it. Whatever. Sheesh..." I glanced over at my mother, silently begging her to say something. She just stared back from me, to my father, mouth gaping.

"Onee-san..."

My eyes traveled down to my crying baby sister, and I remembered what my father had done to her earlier.

"Fine. I see how it is..." I took a step towards them, and looked back to my father. "Whatever. See if I care. Hand her over, and I'm out of here."

Even more horrified, my mother's arms tightened around her protectively. Dad looked over at them for a moment before rushing to block my path.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY, DEMON! YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM US!"

Realizing that I couldn't take her without hurting my parents, I decided to leave, and wait for things to cool down... take her when they weren't looking.

"...Alright..." I turned on my heels, heading for the door.

Something glass broke as it was knocked over, and I turned to look just in time to see the lamp flying at my head.

It exploded against my face, a very sizeable shard embedding itself deeply into the center of my forehead.

All three of them had the same shocked expression.

I used my free hand to pull the glass out of my skull. It popped out with a disgusting _shck_, and everyone (myself included) grimaced.

I just stood there, looking at each of them, for the longest time. Trying to make sense of everything, and failing miserably. My throat constricted, as all of my memories of my once content family became too painful to bear.

"Y-you... hopeless fucking idiot..." I said, looking down at my father but barely seeing him through the tears, and the blinding pain of my broken heart.

* * *

><p>I left. Ran as fast as I could to our church. Collapsed at the alter, but tried my best to retain some dignity at least.<p>

I prayed. Then, Kyubey came.

At the very mention of 'blood on the walls,' I was racing back to our house.

My mother and sister were still alive... but they were unconscious, probably brain dead. Definitely bleeding out. I knew as soon as I saw them that there was nothing I or anyone else could do.

Kyubey hadn't exaggerated.

"WHY!" I screamed in rage and misery, as I pinned my father to a wall with one hand by his neck, trying not to snap it just yet.

"I- I couldn't let you have her! The stupid girl wanted to go with you, and her stupid mother tried to protect her when I-"

I dropped him, understanding but not really.

I was frozen in place, still staring at the spot on the wall his head had just been.

My brain stopped working, my heart stopped beating.

He crawled over to my mother, and grabbed the knife he'd used on them.

I knew what was coming next, and turned to watch.

* * *

><p><strong>Hours afterwards<strong>, and I was still alive.

I really didn't want to be.

The paramedics were manhandling me, but I didn't give a fuck about that.

_Too late... My fault... All dead..._

Physically, I seemed unhurt. Police took this as license to harass me with questions, even as the stretcher rolled into the ambulance and the paramedics tried to fight them off. _  
><em>

_Killed them all... I killed them all..._

_I don't understand... Why would you think that? This was obviously not your doing..._

Slowly, very slowly, I opened my eyes to see Kyubey at the foot of my bed. Completely disinterested, I closed them again, and pondered how I could kill myself in a hospital._  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

This was... painful to write. Really, probably a bit too personal.

I'd like some feedback/criticism of course.


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